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Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Do You Have Change For a Dollar?
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
The Navy Chief and the Seaman
The Navy Chief and the Seaman
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Cartoons by Tammy LaVelle
Cartoons by Tammy Lavelle
Cartoons (c) 2005 Tammy LaVelle. All rights reserved.
Marry a Military Man?
Marry a Military Man?
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, & make beds, & is in good health, & he's already used to taking orders.
Bubba Joe's Sales Pitch...
Bubba Joe's Sales Pitch...
Before long, the Captain in charge of the indoctrination briefing began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for higher insurance coverage than what the government was already granting. Of course, in AETC, nothing is impossible when dealing with the enlisted.
Anyway, the Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before hi s latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000."
"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000."
Now, Bubba concluded, "Which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"
Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to Keesler Air Force Base and, because he was a good talker, the all knowing AETC officers assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the most current government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long, the Captain in charge of the indoctrination briefing began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for higher insurance coverage than what the government was already granting. Of course, in AETC, nothing is impossible when dealing with the enlisted.
Anyway, the Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before hi s latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000."
"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000."
Now, Bubba concluded, "Which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"
An Air Force Pilot ...
An Air Force Pilot ...
There's a story about the USAF pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
A Navy Story...
A Navy Story...
A destroyer pulled into a foreign port, and put down maximum liberty.
The skeleton crew didn't notice a chimpanzee, escaped from a nearby civilian transport, crawled up the ropes and up to the smokestack. Down the stack, it made its way into the engine room. It came across a power panel opened up for maintenance, couldn't read the warning signs, and with a bright blue blast shorted out the ship's electrical system, and plunged the ship into darkness.
A little bit later, two junior Hull Technicians wander down with their flashlights, looking for the problem. They come upon the blackened body of the chimp. They shine their flashlights on its long, burnt arms. They look at each other. They highlight its short legs and odd feet. They look at each other.
Finally one says, "Well, it's too hairy to be an Electrician, the legs are too short for a Hull Tech, and there would be more tattoos on a Bo'sun. Call the wardroom, see if one of the duty officers is missing."
A destroyer pulled into a foreign port, and put down maximum liberty.
The skeleton crew didn't notice a chimpanzee, escaped from a nearby civilian transport, crawled up the ropes and up to the smokestack. Down the stack, it made its way into the engine room. It came across a power panel opened up for maintenance, couldn't read the warning signs, and with a bright blue blast shorted out the ship's electrical system, and plunged the ship into darkness.
A little bit later, two junior Hull Technicians wander down with their flashlights, looking for the problem. They come upon the blackened body of the chimp. They shine their flashlights on its long, burnt arms. They look at each other. They highlight its short legs and odd feet. They look at each other.
Finally one says, "Well, it's too hairy to be an Electrician, the legs are too short for a Hull Tech, and there would be more tattoos on a Bo'sun. Call the wardroom, see if one of the duty officers is missing."
Life in the Air Force...
Life in the Air Force...
A plane is scheduled to leave our American Air Force base in Thule, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So, a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
He finally gets to the air base only to find that the latrine pump has been left outdoors and is frozen solid so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.
He finally arrives at the C-141 and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot, an Air Force Major, stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."
The poor guy says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son. I'm an Enlisted man in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for eleven months without a furlough, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two thirty in the morning, it's twenty degrees below zero and my specialty here is to pump sh*t from an aircraft. Now just what form of punishment did you have in mind?
A plane is scheduled to leave our American Air Force base in Thule, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So, a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
He finally gets to the air base only to find that the latrine pump has been left outdoors and is frozen solid so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.
He finally arrives at the C-141 and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot, an Air Force Major, stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."
The poor guy says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son. I'm an Enlisted man in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for eleven months without a furlough, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two thirty in the morning, it's twenty degrees below zero and my specialty here is to pump sh*t from an aircraft. Now just what form of punishment did you have in mind?
It's a good story anyhow...
It's a good story anyhow...
I'm a grunt, never really played with the air wing, but was told this story during a night of drunken revelry with two other Marine vets who said they were there:
Seems that a Marine Harrier squadron was invited to participate in one of the "Red Flag" exercises at Nellis Air Force Base.
In keeping with the Corps expeditionary nature, the Marines had their birds prepped and ready to go with the same equipment they used in the field, while the Air Force birds (on the opposite side of the flight line) pulled out all manner of rear echelon type APUs and other such equipment to start their birds up. So it looked to onlookers like the pilots simply walked up to their aircraft, kicked the tires, turned the key, and lit the fires. This seemed to offend the Air Force folks, and they began to cut loose with the usual "You jarheads are nothing more than grunts that know how to fly..." (Ain't it true?)
Anyway, the squadron commander and his First Sergeant decided to make the most of it...
Did ya know that there's apparently a pitot tube that sticks out of the forward end of an AV-8? Did ya know that it's apparently the size of the barrel ring of a bayonet? One of the crew chiefs came up with the idea of welding a "bayonet lug" on those screw type hose clamps. These were affixed to said pitot tube in the wee hours of the morning.
By the dawn's early light, the Air Force types watched as the Marine pilots marched, in column, to their posts in front of their planes. The squadron commander gave the command, "Fix Bayonets!", and each pilot proceeded to attach a bayonet to these "bayonet lugs". They then got in their Harriers, and lifted off into the wild blue, with bayonets still fixed.
Dunno if it's true, but never let the truth get in the way of a good story. Semper Fi
I'm a grunt, never really played with the air wing, but was told this story during a night of drunken revelry with two other Marine vets who said they were there:
Seems that a Marine Harrier squadron was invited to participate in one of the "Red Flag" exercises at Nellis Air Force Base.
In keeping with the Corps expeditionary nature, the Marines had their birds prepped and ready to go with the same equipment they used in the field, while the Air Force birds (on the opposite side of the flight line) pulled out all manner of rear echelon type APUs and other such equipment to start their birds up. So it looked to onlookers like the pilots simply walked up to their aircraft, kicked the tires, turned the key, and lit the fires. This seemed to offend the Air Force folks, and they began to cut loose with the usual "You jarheads are nothing more than grunts that know how to fly..." (Ain't it true?)
Anyway, the squadron commander and his First Sergeant decided to make the most of it...
Did ya know that there's apparently a pitot tube that sticks out of the forward end of an AV-8? Did ya know that it's apparently the size of the barrel ring of a bayonet? One of the crew chiefs came up with the idea of welding a "bayonet lug" on those screw type hose clamps. These were affixed to said pitot tube in the wee hours of the morning.
By the dawn's early light, the Air Force types watched as the Marine pilots marched, in column, to their posts in front of their planes. The squadron commander gave the command, "Fix Bayonets!", and each pilot proceeded to attach a bayonet to these "bayonet lugs". They then got in their Harriers, and lifted off into the wild blue, with bayonets still fixed.
Dunno if it's true, but never let the truth get in the way of a good story. Semper Fi
*Military Wisdom*
*Military Wisdom*
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
-Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy."
-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
-U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
-Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
-U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
-Gen. MacArthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
-Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
-U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways."
-U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
-Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
-U. S Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
-David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
-Infantry Journal
"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
-Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once."
-Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
-Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
-Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
"Aim towards the Enemy."
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
"Tracers work both ways."
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once."
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
Late For Class
Late For Class
At the prestigious university there was a clear hierarchy that outlined how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor were absent. A full professor rated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however; and students were afforded no such grace.
~
It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when the student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.
~
"Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?"
~
"Well," mused the unperturbed youth, "first they saluted, then they inquired, 'How are you this morning, sir?'"
At the prestigious university there was a clear hierarchy that outlined how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor were absent. A full professor rated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however; and students were afforded no such grace.
~
It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when the student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.
~
"Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?"
~
"Well," mused the unperturbed youth, "first they saluted, then they inquired, 'How are you this morning, sir?'"
City Councilman ejected from studio:
City Councilman ejected from studio:
A part time City Councilman from Pensacola, Florida, was asked on a local live radio talk show the other day just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.
"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a car's battery cables will save one American GI's life, then I have just two things to say:
"Red is positive, black is negative"
A part time City Councilman from Pensacola, Florida, was asked on a local live radio talk show the other day just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.
"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a car's battery cables will save one American GI's life, then I have just two things to say:
Why the Military can't communicate with each other...
Why the Military can't communicate with each other...
If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will turn out the lights and lock the door.
If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid entry to those without a pass.
If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they assault with heavy fire, capture the building, fortify it and call for an air strike.
If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will negotiate a three year lease with an option to buy.
If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will turn out the lights and lock the door.
If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid entry to those without a pass.
If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they assault with heavy fire, capture the building, fortify it and call for an air strike.
If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will negotiate a three year lease with an option to buy.
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