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Tuesday, August 30, 2005
War-Weary American Marine
The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.
My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Rowing Teams...
The Navy challenged the Army and the Air Force to a row boat race on the Potomac River.
Each team practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Navy won by a mile. Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed.
The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Metrics Team," made up of senior officers was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
They concluded that the primary difference between the two teams was that the Navy had 8 seamen rowing and 1 officer steering, while the Air Force had 1 airman rowing and 8 officers and NCOs steering.
So the senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. The consultants delivered a three volume report, and advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Navy again the next year, the Air Force Chief of Staff made historic and sweeping changes:
The rowing team's organizational structure was totally realigned to 4 steering officers, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering NCO.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 airman rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Air Force Rowing Team Quality Program," with meetings, dinners, and a three-day pass for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."
The next year the Navy won by 2 miles.
Humiliated, the Air Force leadership gave a letter of reprimand to the rower for poor performance, initiated a $4 billion program for development of a new joint-service canoe, blamed the loss on a design defect in the paddles, and issued career continuation bonuses and leather rowing jackets to the beleaguered steering officers in the hopes they would stay for next year's race.
The Army team, meanwhile, having only recently obtained funding for a boat, is trying to figure out why the oars keep making divots in the grass when they're rowing.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
The Master Seageant and the General
A Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The Master Sergeant turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
Saturday, August 06, 2005
And now, something about fighter pilots!
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? A: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine? A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
Friday, August 05, 2005
What time is it anyway?
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference:
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Nothing important, sir!
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
The ultimate response to a Dear John letter...
The ultimate response to a Dear John letter...
You gotta love a man like this... Humor in the face of defeat
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girl friend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back "
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