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Monday, February 23, 2009
You gotta love the Marines
In addition to communicating with the local Air Traffic Control facility, all aircraft in the Persian Gulf AOR are required to give the Iranian Air Defense Radar (military) a ten minute 'heads up' if they will be transiting Iranian airspace.
This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.
Conversation heard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along.
The conversation went like this...
Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)
This is a common procedure for commercial aircraft and involves giving them your call sign, transponder code, type aircraft, and points of origin and destination.
Conversation heard on the VHF Guard (emergency) frequency 121.5 MHz while flying from Europe to Dubai . It's too good not to pass along.
The conversation went like this...
Iranian Air Defense Radar: 'Unknown aircraft you are in Iranian airspace. Identify yourself.'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States aircraft. I am in Iraqi airspace.'
Air Defense Radar: 'You are in Iranian airspace. If you do not depart our airspace we will launch interceptor aircraft!'
Aircraft: 'This is a United States Marine Corps FA-18 fighter Send 'em up, I'll wait!'
Air Defense Radar: (no response ... total silence)
Monday, October 22, 2007
A Naval Conference
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, 'whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied 'Maybe it s because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t have to speak German.'You could have heard a pin drop!
Conference in France
Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying "Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?"
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?"Once again, dead silence.
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: "Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?"Once again, dead silence.
Colin Powell in England
When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building' by George Bush.He answered by saying, "Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return." You could have heard a pin drop.
Friday, August 31, 2007
And the moral of the story is...
And the moral of the story is...
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Tony, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last enemy with her bare hands."
"Good Heaven's" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the heck away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many thanks to jimmy for sending this joke.
~g
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
"Tony, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Karen. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last enemy with her bare hands."
"Good Heaven's" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"
"Stay the heck away from Aunt Karen when she's drinking".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many thanks to jimmy for sending this joke.
~g
Labels: Desert Storm, flask of whiskey, parachute, Pilot, pistol, survival knife
Letter from a New Marine Recruit at MCRD San Diego
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc.,but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon Sergeant says a re long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.The country is nice but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting, I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this place except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,Lisa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many thanks to jimmy sending this joke.
~g
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. but I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc.,but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you til noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.
We go on "route marches," which the platoon Sergeant says a re long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.The country is nice but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting, I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this place except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds and he's 6'8" and near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving daughter,Lisa
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Many thanks to jimmy sending this joke.
~g
Labels: Captain, colonels, feed, fire, hogs, majors, Marine Corps, mash, recruit, route marches, sergeant, wood
Monday, July 16, 2007
What time is it?
On some air bases, the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to 'Happy Hour.'"
One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference.
If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock.
If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours.
If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells.
If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to 'Happy Hour.'"
Labels: Air Force, American Airlines, Control Tower, Marine Corps, Navy
Sunday, July 01, 2007
Brash Pilot
It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station - skipping recruit training.
The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes.Then climbing up to 20,000 ft., he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.
He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied, "You make one velly, velly selious mistake!"
The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.
On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes.Then climbing up to 20,000 ft., he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.
He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"
The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied, "You make one velly, velly selious mistake!"
Labels: Japanese, NAS Pensacola, World War II, Zeroes
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Fighter Pilots
A C-130 was flying on a mission when a cocky F-16 fighter pilot flew up next to him.
The F-16 jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.
The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!" The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes, and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think of that?"
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the heck did you do?"
The C-130 pilot chuckled, "I stood up, stretched my legs, went to the back, went to the head, then got a cup of coffee and a sweet roll."
The F-16 jock told the C-130 pilot, "watch this!" and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that.
The C-130 pilot said, "That was impressive, but watch this!" The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes, and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said "What did you think of that?"
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, "What the heck did you do?"
The C-130 pilot chuckled, "I stood up, stretched my legs, went to the back, went to the head, then got a cup of coffee and a sweet roll."
Labels: C-130, F-16, Fighter Pilot
Friday, April 27, 2007
Seamanship Test
One time during the underway watch the OOD decided to test a Chief Petty Officer's seamanship. "Chief, what would you do if the forward watch fell off the side of the ship?"
"Easy, sir, I'd call 'Man Overboard' and follow the Man Overboard procedures."
"What would you do if an officer fell overboard?"
"Hmmm," The Chief said, "Which one, sir?"
"Easy, sir, I'd call 'Man Overboard' and follow the Man Overboard procedures."
"What would you do if an officer fell overboard?"
"Hmmm," The Chief said, "Which one, sir?"
Labels: Chief, forward watch, Landing Signal Officer, man overboard, OOD, seamanship
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
The Master Chief
The Master Chief noticed a new Seaman one day and barked at him to come in "What is your name?" was the first thing the Master Chief asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
The Master Chief scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff they're teaching Sailors in Bootcamp today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my Sailors by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all.
I am to be referred to only as 'Master Chief.' Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, Master Chief!"
"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling, MasterChief!"
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
"John," the new guy replied.
The Master Chief scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff they're teaching Sailors in Bootcamp today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my Sailors by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all.
I am to be referred to only as 'Master Chief.' Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, Master Chief!"
"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling, MasterChief!"
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."
Labels: Bootcamp, Liberal, Master Chief, Pansy, Sailors, Seaman
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Veteran's Bar
Four retired Navy Chief's are walking down the street window shopping. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says "Veterans Bar" over thedoorway of an entry into an establishment that doesn't look all that well kept up. They look at each other then go in. On the inside, they realize inthis case, they could judge the 'book by it's cover'.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There seems to bea fully stocked bar so the men all ask for a martini. In short time the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - shaken not stirred and says, "That'llbe 40 cents, please." The four Chiefs stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other - they can't believe their good luck. They pay the40 cents, finish their martinis and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please." They pay the 40 cents but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent lessthan a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martini s as good as these for a dime a piece?"
The bartender replies, "No doubt you've noticed the decor in here. And the outside ain't nothin' to write home about. I don't waste money on thatstuff. But, here's my story. I'm a retired Master Chief Boatswain's Mate and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer, all the same."
"Wow. That's quite a story." says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the endof the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man finished his martini and, gestured at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "Oh, those are retired Marines. They're waiting for happy hour."
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There seems to bea fully stocked bar so the men all ask for a martini. In short time the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - shaken not stirred and says, "That'llbe 40 cents, please." The four Chiefs stare at the bartender for a moment then look at each other - they can't believe their good luck. They pay the40 cents, finish their martinis and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 more cents, please." They pay the 40 cents but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent lessthan a dollar. Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martini s as good as these for a dime a piece?"
The bartender replies, "No doubt you've noticed the decor in here. And the outside ain't nothin' to write home about. I don't waste money on thatstuff. But, here's my story. I'm a retired Master Chief Boatswain's Mate and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer, all the same."
"Wow. That's quite a story." says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the endof the bar who didn't have a drink in front of them and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man finished his martini and, gestured at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "Oh, those are retired Marines. They're waiting for happy hour."
Labels: bartender, Boatswain's Mate, Marines, martini, Master Chief, Navy Chief, Retired Chiefs, Veteran Bar
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Air Contollers & Pilots
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):
"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, --
And I didn't land."
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):
"Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, --
And I didn't land."
Labels: Air Controller, Frankfurt Airport, Pan Am 747, Pilot
Saturday, March 17, 2007
Old Country Preacher's Son
An old southern country preacher from Georgia had a teenage son named David and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky, and a Playboy magazine.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky, and a Playboy magazine.
I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be OK, But if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be OK, But if picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a Navy Chief".
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.
"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna be a Navy Chief".
Labels: Bible, Centerfold, Navy Chief, old preacher, whiskey
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Erecting a Flagpole
One last class before graduation at the Naval Academy and the Instructor gave out one final assignment.
"Given one 20 foot metal pole, two bags of cement, a selection of shovels, a wheel barrow, and any other tools you might find necessary, AND One Chief, one Petty Officer and a selection of Seamen, DESCRIBE The process you will take to erect the pole so that a flag hung from it can be seen from 250 feet away. You have two hours. Begin."
The near-Ensigns began to write with concentration. At the end of two hours, the Instructor called time and collected the papers. Quickly paging through them, he announced the grades. "Ladies and Gentlemen, there are some thorough and detailed responses here, but only one "A". I would like to read it to you.
In order to erect the flag pole, I would do the following: Say "Chief, put up the flagpole."
Labels: Chief, CPO, Flagpole, Naval Academy, Navy, Petty Officer, Seaman
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Ship's Boatswain in a Quandry
I was a brand new pin-stripe WO1 serving with a CWO3 Boatswain on the USS Newport News (CA-148) in late 1967. As we were about to pull into Da Nang harbor to take a two star admiral and his staff aboard (CTG 77.7.3 if I recall correctly). Originally, the plan was to highline the admiral and his staff aboard. But shortly after setting the highline detail, a low lying fog obscured visibility. The highline was originally set with the ship at General Quarters. Then, a second decision was made to fly the admiral aboard via heliocopter. For the unititiated, the Ship's boatswain is in charge of Repair 1 (damage control) while the ship is at GQ. He is incharge of all highlines, and he was also the helo Landing Signal Officer who uses the paddles to assist the pilot in landing the helo.
CWO3 Chris Schmidt was suppose to be in three different places at the same time - Repair 1(below decks), OIC of highline detail (main deck forward) and Landing Signal Officer (main deck aft-'fantail' for you sailors). CWO2 C. F. David, the Captain's Secretary had an office (also his GQ Station) near the wardroom later related the following story:
"I had slipped into the wardroom for a cup of coffee, when the Boatswain came into the wardroom in his rain slicks, dripping water all over everything, and plopped into his favorite chair in the corner of the wardroom. He sat there staring into space for about ten minutes when he muttered 'They will have to decommission the ship and run the crew off onto the pier to get this mess untangled.' "
True Story - Gunner
CWO3 Chris Schmidt was suppose to be in three different places at the same time - Repair 1(below decks), OIC of highline detail (main deck forward) and Landing Signal Officer (main deck aft-'fantail' for you sailors). CWO2 C. F. David, the Captain's Secretary had an office (also his GQ Station) near the wardroom later related the following story:
"I had slipped into the wardroom for a cup of coffee, when the Boatswain came into the wardroom in his rain slicks, dripping water all over everything, and plopped into his favorite chair in the corner of the wardroom. He sat there staring into space for about ten minutes when he muttered 'They will have to decommission the ship and run the crew off onto the pier to get this mess untangled.' "
True Story - Gunner
Labels: Boatswain, C. F. David, Chris Schmidt, CWO2, CWO3, Da Nang, highline, Landing Signal Officer, LSO, USS Newport News (CA-148), WO1
Sunday, February 25, 2007
The Gunny sez...
A group of Marine Corp Officers are standing around talking when a Lieutenant said, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."
Captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."
Then a Major says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work."
They are all contemplating these revelations when a Gunnery Sergeant walks by. The officers call the Gunny over to ask his opinion.
The Major says, "Excuse me, Gunny, we are having a discussion and would like your input. The Lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The Captain says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. Gunny, what is your opinion?"
The Gunny smiles and says, "Sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun because if there was any work involved, you would have the enlisted Marines doing it for you."
Captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."
Then a Major says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work."
They are all contemplating these revelations when a Gunnery Sergeant walks by. The officers call the Gunny over to ask his opinion.
The Major says, "Excuse me, Gunny, we are having a discussion and would like your input. The Lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The Captain says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. Gunny, what is your opinion?"
The Gunny smiles and says, "Sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun because if there was any work involved, you would have the enlisted Marines doing it for you."
Labels: Captain, Gunny, Lieutenant, Major, Marine Corps
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Late for Work
He just couldn't seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, maybe 10 minutes late.
He was very conscientious, very sharp and very productive.
This was a second career for the gentleman so the Boss was
in a quandary about what to do about it.
Finally, he decided he needed to talk to him and called him into the office for a chat.
"Bill, I have to tell you, I like your work ethics, but your being late often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know Boss, and I`m working on it."
"Well good. That`s what I like to hear. It`s sort of odd though, your coming in late.
"Bill, I have to tell you, I like your work ethics, but your being late often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know Boss, and I`m working on it."
"Well good. That`s what I like to hear. It`s sort of odd though, your coming in late.
I know that you are retired from the Navy.
What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They said, "Good morning, Admiral."
"They said, "Good morning, Admiral."
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
A Marine's Watch
A Marine walks into a Beaufort SC bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman looks at his wrist and remarks, "That's some watch.
I've never seen anything like it before. What is it?"
"I just got this," he replies. "It's a new military issue. It has a small computer chip which has threat detection and situational awareness."
The intrigued woman asks, "What's so special about it?"
The Marine explains, "It can detect any threats within a 50 yard radius and gives me an awareness of my surroundings.
The woman asks, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, according to what it says, you're not wearing any panties...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The Marine taps the face of his watch several times and says, "Aw, hell, the damn thing's an hour fast."
He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman looks at his wrist and remarks, "That's some watch.
I've never seen anything like it before. What is it?"
"I just got this," he replies. "It's a new military issue. It has a small computer chip which has threat detection and situational awareness."
The intrigued woman asks, "What's so special about it?"
The Marine explains, "It can detect any threats within a 50 yard radius and gives me an awareness of my surroundings.
The woman asks, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, according to what it says, you're not wearing any panties...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"
The Marine taps the face of his watch several times and says, "Aw, hell, the damn thing's an hour fast."
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Last Requests
Bob Sheiffer, Tom Brokaw, Katie Couric and a tough old U.S. Marine sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.
Sheiffer said, "I'd like one last bowl of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Sheiffer ate it and said, "Now I can die content."
Brokaw said, "I'd like to hear the song "America the Beautiful" one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the anthem. Brokaw sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.
Couric said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."
The leader agreed and Couric dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"
"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.
"What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying the three news anchors, "Ms Perky" asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?"
"What," replied the Marine, "And have you three %$#(&#@@ report that I was the aggressor."
Sheiffer said, "I'd like one last bowl of hot spicy chili." The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Sheiffer ate it and said, "Now I can die content."
Brokaw said, "I'd like to hear the song "America the Beautiful" one last time." The leader nodded to a terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the anthem. Brokaw sighed and declared he could now die peacefully.
Couric said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."
The leader agreed and Couric dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. U.S. Marine, what is your final wish?"
"Kick me in the ass," said the Marine.
"What?" asked the leader. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Marine. So the leader shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass.
The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from inside his cammies, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine and sprayed the Iraqis with gunfire. In a flash, all the Iraqis were either dead or fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying the three news anchors, "Ms Perky" asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?"
"What," replied the Marine, "And have you three %$#(&#@@ report that I was the aggressor."
Wednesday, January 03, 2007
Ma Bell and the Writer
A man decided to write a book about famous churches around the military. He bought a plane ticket to Camp Lejeune, thinking he would start by working his way across the USA from south to north.
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On his first day he was inside the Base Chapel taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall above a sign that read "$10,000 per call".
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The man, being intrigued, asked a Marine who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The Marine replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The man thanked the Marine and went on his way.
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Next, he stopped at Andrews Air Force Base in Washington, DC.
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There, at a very large Chapel, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He asked a nearby Airman what this phone's purpose was.
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She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the man, and left.
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He then traveled to Ft. Leonard Wood, MO, Wright Patterson AFB, OH, Annapolis, MD, and Parris Island, SC. In every chapel he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
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Upon leaving Parris Island, he decided to travel to a Navy ship to see if he would find the same phone. He arrived onboard and while waiting to visit the ships chapel, he was invited into the Chief's Mess. There as the same golden telephone. This time, however, the sign under it read "40 cents per call". The man was surprised.
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Just then, a Chief walked in and he asked about the sign. "Sailor, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many chapels on many different military installations. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the Marine Corps, the Army, the Air Force, and even other parts of the Navy, the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
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The Chief smiled and answered, "You're in the Chiefs Mess now son, it's a local call."
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On his first day he was inside the Base Chapel taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall above a sign that read "$10,000 per call".
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The man, being intrigued, asked a Marine who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The Marine replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The man thanked the Marine and went on his way.
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Next, he stopped at Andrews Air Force Base in Washington, DC.
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There, at a very large Chapel, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He asked a nearby Airman what this phone's purpose was.
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She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the man, and left.
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He then traveled to Ft. Leonard Wood, MO, Wright Patterson AFB, OH, Annapolis, MD, and Parris Island, SC. In every chapel he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.
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Upon leaving Parris Island, he decided to travel to a Navy ship to see if he would find the same phone. He arrived onboard and while waiting to visit the ships chapel, he was invited into the Chief's Mess. There as the same golden telephone. This time, however, the sign under it read "40 cents per call". The man was surprised.
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Just then, a Chief walked in and he asked about the sign. "Sailor, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many chapels on many different military installations. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the Marine Corps, the Army, the Air Force, and even other parts of the Navy, the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"
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The Chief smiled and answered, "You're in the Chiefs Mess now son, it's a local call."
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Gourmet application of MREs or How I Entertain a New Date
If you don't get a laugh out of this one, you have no sense of humor or have never eaten MREs!
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How I Entertain a New Date:
I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner. After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally settled on something she has DEFINITELY never eaten. I got out my trusty case of MRE's (Meal, Ready-to-Eat). Field rations that when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories. Here's what I made: I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-King, and eight packets of dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated / rehydrated rice. I cooked the Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive oil.
In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees. When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly thingys from one of my spice cans (hey, if it's got green sprinkly thingys on it, it looks fancy right?)
For dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous organism, and I sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it. Voila - Ranger Pudding.
For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka (yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special" - it sells for $4.35 per fifth) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes - 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like an eerie Kool-Aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess... could've been leftover sand from Egypt.)
I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that shit is EXPENSIVE... my set of 8 place settings cost me over $600), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.
She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the food, and said, "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"
We dug in, and she loved the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the makeshift "wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because she drank four glasses during dinner.
At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay... yeah... it's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... yup. Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my restroom. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay. Let the games begin.
She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener, 1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The Army even makes smell good) and returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.
After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the bathroom for the second time. I could hear her say, "What the hell is WRONG with me?" as she again send flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl. This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.
Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest, kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out for 30 minutes.
I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard that tears were streaming down my cheeks.
She came out with a slightly gray pallor to her face, and said, "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is wrong with me. I am so embarrassed, I can't believe I keep running to your bathroom!!" I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and relaxed.
Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all the used MRE bags and packets in the trashcan.
After explaining to her that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Army food" she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said, "I ate 9,000 calories or dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?" After I concurred, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't shit for 3 days, and when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat the high
caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her again, unless she was PERSONALLY there to inspect the food beforehand. It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually, and said that that was the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on the couch.
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
NO SEX SINCE 1955
NO SEX SINCE 1955
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
She said, "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am," the Sergeant Major said,
"Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
The Sergeant Major's short reply was, "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, "1955."
She said, "Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn't that a little extreme?"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "You think so? It's only 2130 now."
Friday, September 09, 2005
Maintenance Monkey
A man walked into a pet store and was looking at the animals on display.
While he was there, a First Class Petty Officer from the local Navy base walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a maintenance monkey, please."
The man nodded, went to a cage at the side of the store and took out a monkey. He put a collar and leash on the animal and handed it the PO1, saying, "That'll be $5,000." The PO1 paid and left with the monkey.
Surprised, the man went to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did that one cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that's a maintenance monkey. He can run diagnostics on all radars/weapons systems, score 95 on the ASVAB test, operate all forms of test equipment, perform the duties of any Maintenance Man qualified person with no back talk or complaints. It's well worth the money.
The man spotted a monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that one is a Workcenter Supervisor monkey! It can instruct at all levels of maintenance, supervise maintenance on the unit, intermediate, and depot level, knows all OPNAV instructions, utilizes ORM, and even conducts Divisional Training. A very useful monkey indeed," replied the shopkeeper.
The man looked around a little longer and found a third monkey in a cage. The price tag read, "$50,000." The shocked tourist exclaimed,
"That one costs more than all the others put together! What in the world does it do?"
"Well, I've never actually seen him do anything but drink beer and play with himself, but his papers say he's a Chief!"
Tuesday, August 30, 2005
War-Weary American Marine
The train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.
My little Fifi is using that seat."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
Sunday, August 14, 2005
Rowing Teams...
The Navy challenged the Army and the Air Force to a row boat race on the Potomac River.
Each team practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race.
On the big day, the Navy won by a mile. Afterwards, the Air Force team became very discouraged and depressed.
The officers of the Air Force team decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Metrics Team," made up of senior officers was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.
They concluded that the primary difference between the two teams was that the Navy had 8 seamen rowing and 1 officer steering, while the Air Force had 1 airman rowing and 8 officers and NCOs steering.
So the senior officers of the Air Force team hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. The consultants delivered a three volume report, and advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Navy again the next year, the Air Force Chief of Staff made historic and sweeping changes:
The rowing team's organizational structure was totally realigned to 4 steering officers, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering NCO.
They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 airman rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Air Force Rowing Team Quality Program," with meetings, dinners, and a three-day pass for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."
The next year the Navy won by 2 miles.
Humiliated, the Air Force leadership gave a letter of reprimand to the rower for poor performance, initiated a $4 billion program for development of a new joint-service canoe, blamed the loss on a design defect in the paddles, and issued career continuation bonuses and leather rowing jackets to the beleaguered steering officers in the hopes they would stay for next year's race.
The Army team, meanwhile, having only recently obtained funding for a boat, is trying to figure out why the oars keep making divots in the grass when they're rowing.
Sunday, August 07, 2005
The Master Seageant and the General
A Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"
The Master Sergeant turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
Saturday, August 06, 2005
And now, something about fighter pilots!
Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party? A: He'll tell you.
Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots? A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.
Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine? A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.
Friday, August 05, 2005
What time is it anyway?
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference:
Thursday, August 04, 2005
Nothing important, sir!
Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"
"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."
Wednesday, August 03, 2005
The ultimate response to a Dear John letter...
The ultimate response to a Dear John letter...
You gotta love a man like this... Humor in the face of defeat
A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.
So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girl friend with the following note:
"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back "
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Do You Have Change For a Dollar?
Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again! Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "No, SIR!"
The Navy Chief and the Seaman
The Navy Chief and the Seaman
"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."
"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
Cartoons by Tammy LaVelle
Cartoons by Tammy Lavelle
Cartoons (c) 2005 Tammy LaVelle. All rights reserved.
Marry a Military Man?
Marry a Military Man?
Many girls like to marry a military man - he can cook, sew, & make beds, & is in good health, & he's already used to taking orders.
Bubba Joe's Sales Pitch...
Bubba Joe's Sales Pitch...
Before long, the Captain in charge of the indoctrination briefing began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for higher insurance coverage than what the government was already granting. Of course, in AETC, nothing is impossible when dealing with the enlisted.
Anyway, the Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before hi s latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000."
"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000."
Now, Bubba concluded, "Which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"
Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to Keesler Air Force Base and, because he was a good talker, the all knowing AETC officers assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the most current government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.
Before long, the Captain in charge of the indoctrination briefing began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for higher insurance coverage than what the government was already granting. Of course, in AETC, nothing is impossible when dealing with the enlisted.
Anyway, the Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Bubba's sales pitch. Bubba Joe stood up before hi s latest group of inductees and stated, "If you have the normal GI insurance and go to Iraq and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000."
"If you take out the supplemental GI insurance, which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000."
Now, Bubba concluded, "Which bunch do you think they're gonna send into combat first?"
An Air Force Pilot ...
An Air Force Pilot ...
There's a story about the USAF pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."
Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
"Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."
A Navy Story...
A Navy Story...
A destroyer pulled into a foreign port, and put down maximum liberty.
The skeleton crew didn't notice a chimpanzee, escaped from a nearby civilian transport, crawled up the ropes and up to the smokestack. Down the stack, it made its way into the engine room. It came across a power panel opened up for maintenance, couldn't read the warning signs, and with a bright blue blast shorted out the ship's electrical system, and plunged the ship into darkness.
A little bit later, two junior Hull Technicians wander down with their flashlights, looking for the problem. They come upon the blackened body of the chimp. They shine their flashlights on its long, burnt arms. They look at each other. They highlight its short legs and odd feet. They look at each other.
Finally one says, "Well, it's too hairy to be an Electrician, the legs are too short for a Hull Tech, and there would be more tattoos on a Bo'sun. Call the wardroom, see if one of the duty officers is missing."
A destroyer pulled into a foreign port, and put down maximum liberty.
The skeleton crew didn't notice a chimpanzee, escaped from a nearby civilian transport, crawled up the ropes and up to the smokestack. Down the stack, it made its way into the engine room. It came across a power panel opened up for maintenance, couldn't read the warning signs, and with a bright blue blast shorted out the ship's electrical system, and plunged the ship into darkness.
A little bit later, two junior Hull Technicians wander down with their flashlights, looking for the problem. They come upon the blackened body of the chimp. They shine their flashlights on its long, burnt arms. They look at each other. They highlight its short legs and odd feet. They look at each other.
Finally one says, "Well, it's too hairy to be an Electrician, the legs are too short for a Hull Tech, and there would be more tattoos on a Bo'sun. Call the wardroom, see if one of the duty officers is missing."
Life in the Air Force...
Life in the Air Force...
A plane is scheduled to leave our American Air Force base in Thule, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So, a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
He finally gets to the air base only to find that the latrine pump has been left outdoors and is frozen solid so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.
He finally arrives at the C-141 and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot, an Air Force Major, stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."
The poor guy says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son. I'm an Enlisted man in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for eleven months without a furlough, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two thirty in the morning, it's twenty degrees below zero and my specialty here is to pump sh*t from an aircraft. Now just what form of punishment did you have in mind?
A plane is scheduled to leave our American Air Force base in Thule, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's preflight check he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So, a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.
He finally gets to the air base only to find that the latrine pump has been left outdoors and is frozen solid so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time.
He finally arrives at the C-141 and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot, an Air Force Major, stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded, but punished."
The poor guy says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son. I'm an Enlisted man in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland for eleven months without a furlough, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe, it's two thirty in the morning, it's twenty degrees below zero and my specialty here is to pump sh*t from an aircraft. Now just what form of punishment did you have in mind?
It's a good story anyhow...
It's a good story anyhow...
I'm a grunt, never really played with the air wing, but was told this story during a night of drunken revelry with two other Marine vets who said they were there:
Seems that a Marine Harrier squadron was invited to participate in one of the "Red Flag" exercises at Nellis Air Force Base.
In keeping with the Corps expeditionary nature, the Marines had their birds prepped and ready to go with the same equipment they used in the field, while the Air Force birds (on the opposite side of the flight line) pulled out all manner of rear echelon type APUs and other such equipment to start their birds up. So it looked to onlookers like the pilots simply walked up to their aircraft, kicked the tires, turned the key, and lit the fires. This seemed to offend the Air Force folks, and they began to cut loose with the usual "You jarheads are nothing more than grunts that know how to fly..." (Ain't it true?)
Anyway, the squadron commander and his First Sergeant decided to make the most of it...
Did ya know that there's apparently a pitot tube that sticks out of the forward end of an AV-8? Did ya know that it's apparently the size of the barrel ring of a bayonet? One of the crew chiefs came up with the idea of welding a "bayonet lug" on those screw type hose clamps. These were affixed to said pitot tube in the wee hours of the morning.
By the dawn's early light, the Air Force types watched as the Marine pilots marched, in column, to their posts in front of their planes. The squadron commander gave the command, "Fix Bayonets!", and each pilot proceeded to attach a bayonet to these "bayonet lugs". They then got in their Harriers, and lifted off into the wild blue, with bayonets still fixed.
Dunno if it's true, but never let the truth get in the way of a good story. Semper Fi
I'm a grunt, never really played with the air wing, but was told this story during a night of drunken revelry with two other Marine vets who said they were there:
Seems that a Marine Harrier squadron was invited to participate in one of the "Red Flag" exercises at Nellis Air Force Base.
In keeping with the Corps expeditionary nature, the Marines had their birds prepped and ready to go with the same equipment they used in the field, while the Air Force birds (on the opposite side of the flight line) pulled out all manner of rear echelon type APUs and other such equipment to start their birds up. So it looked to onlookers like the pilots simply walked up to their aircraft, kicked the tires, turned the key, and lit the fires. This seemed to offend the Air Force folks, and they began to cut loose with the usual "You jarheads are nothing more than grunts that know how to fly..." (Ain't it true?)
Anyway, the squadron commander and his First Sergeant decided to make the most of it...
Did ya know that there's apparently a pitot tube that sticks out of the forward end of an AV-8? Did ya know that it's apparently the size of the barrel ring of a bayonet? One of the crew chiefs came up with the idea of welding a "bayonet lug" on those screw type hose clamps. These were affixed to said pitot tube in the wee hours of the morning.
By the dawn's early light, the Air Force types watched as the Marine pilots marched, in column, to their posts in front of their planes. The squadron commander gave the command, "Fix Bayonets!", and each pilot proceeded to attach a bayonet to these "bayonet lugs". They then got in their Harriers, and lifted off into the wild blue, with bayonets still fixed.
Dunno if it's true, but never let the truth get in the way of a good story. Semper Fi
*Military Wisdom*
*Military Wisdom*
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
-Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy."
-Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
-U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
-Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
-U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
-Gen. MacArthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
-Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
-U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways."
-U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
-Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
-U. S Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
-David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
-Infantry Journal
"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
-Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once."
-Anon
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
-Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
-Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
-U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
"Aim towards the Enemy."
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
"Tracers work both ways."
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection."
"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once."
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
Late For Class
Late For Class
At the prestigious university there was a clear hierarchy that outlined how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor were absent. A full professor rated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however; and students were afforded no such grace.
~
It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when the student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.
~
"Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?"
~
"Well," mused the unperturbed youth, "first they saluted, then they inquired, 'How are you this morning, sir?'"
At the prestigious university there was a clear hierarchy that outlined how long one was to wait for a class to begin if the professor were absent. A full professor rated fifteen minutes. An associate only ten. A mere instructor was expected to be on time, if not early. This system worked only one way, however; and students were afforded no such grace.
~
It was to be expected, therefore, that one professor, the foremost authority in his field by his own admission, would register distinct annoyance when the student, just out of military service, was late for class for the third morning running.
~
"Tell me," the professor began, "exactly what did they say in the Army when you sauntered in late like this?"
~
"Well," mused the unperturbed youth, "first they saluted, then they inquired, 'How are you this morning, sir?'"
City Councilman ejected from studio:
City Councilman ejected from studio:
A part time City Councilman from Pensacola, Florida, was asked on a local live radio talk show the other day just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.
"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a car's battery cables will save one American GI's life, then I have just two things to say:
"Red is positive, black is negative"
A part time City Councilman from Pensacola, Florida, was asked on a local live radio talk show the other day just what he thought of the allegations of torture of the Iraqi prisoners.
His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.
"If hooking up an Iraqi prisoner's scrotum to a car's battery cables will save one American GI's life, then I have just two things to say:
Why the Military can't communicate with each other...
Why the Military can't communicate with each other...
If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will turn out the lights and lock the door.
If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid entry to those without a pass.
If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they assault with heavy fire, capture the building, fortify it and call for an air strike.
If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will negotiate a three year lease with an option to buy.
If you tell the Navy to secure a building, they will turn out the lights and lock the door.
If you tell the Army to secure a building, they will occupy it and forbid entry to those without a pass.
If you tell the Marines to secure a building, they assault with heavy fire, capture the building, fortify it and call for an air strike.
If you tell the Air Force to secure a building, they will negotiate a three year lease with an option to buy.
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